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Writer's Block: Upon further review

If you could go back and change one event in your life (or un-say one thing you wish you'd never said), what would you choose, and why?

There are people in my past that I wish I wouldn't have hurt. People that I truly loved, that didn't deserve the things I said or did to them. I wish I could take it all away. Erase it some how. I know that still to this day they are still hurt by the things that I did. I'm just sorry for it, and I did love them. I loved them a lot, just wish I showed it. To everyone I've ever hurt... I'm sorry. I took so many people for granted. I had become such a mess of a person before my daughter Ava came along and changed me, made me a better person. Someone that never would have done the things that I did in the past. All I can say is I'm sorry. You can't erase the past, and if it wasn't for my past I wouldn't have ended up where I am today with my beautiful daughter Ava.

married lady.

So I got married! I am now Rebecca Elaine Ellis. Sounds so much better than Rebecca Gault. Anywho, things are going well. Vegas was a lot of fun. Not what I was expecting though. Glad to be home, and ready for spring break! I've had mid terms this week. Only one more to take tomorrow. Basically, life is good.

Wedding Bells.

So I can't believe I'm saying this... but i'm finally getting hitched! After almost 6 years of ups and downs we both realized we couldn't imagine being without the other for the rest of our lives. We've def had our lows, but we've also had so many wonderful, amazing times too. No relationship is perfect. It's not giving up on each other when you are going through the lows that really makes you stronger. Couples today split up every time something goes wrong. I'm glad we have stuck together and made this work. I love him so very much. So In less then two months we are getting married in Las Vegas. Feb 25th will be here before I know it. I was telling Stephen how weird its going to be to say, " this is my husband Stephen." I'm very excited to to be able to finally say those words :) We're getting married at the Graceland Chapel at 4pm. Elvis will be marrying us. lol
I'm officially done with finals! woo hoo! I made a 100 and a 98! I'm just glad I don't have anything to worry about school wise for the next few weeks. I start back to school June 7th for my summer semester. Stephen has friends coming in from Austin this weekend. We're throwing his sister a surprise birthday party tomorrow night. Taking the boat out Saturday, then mothers day sunday. Should be a pretty good weekend.

happy girl.

I can't believe what I'm about to say... but i'm seriously happy. I haven't been able to say that in a very very long time. It's like everything has just shifted, and my life is finally becoming everything that I have been wanting it to be. My relationship is becoming everything that I have wished for for the past 2 years. Lets just say I have had a smile on my face for a while now because of him, because of how it's like he's the old him again. School is going well. Only two more weeks and I'm off for 3 before my summer classes start. Spending a whole week in Galveston at a beach house with Stephen and Ava the 17th-23rd. I'm excited about getting away and just spending time with my little family. so what i'm saying is i'm so damn happy. Hope things last and just keep getting better. I'm sure they will. I'm falling in love all over again with him, and its a wonderful feeling :)

Update time.

So I haven't written in a while and blah blah blah. Its basically because I don't like thinking about and acknowledging my life. I mean anyone that really knows me and talks to me knows that my relationship is basically a total joke. I mean everytime I think its going really well and I start to allow myself to open up my heart a little....BAM he shits on it!
Which equalls him getting super drunk and tearing me apart with words and telling me he doesn't think we're meant for eachother and blah blah blah. Then the next morning he wakes up and begs my forgivenss. Says he loves me and wants us to stay together. Then he doesn't understand why I have become the most insecure person in the world. So I find myself basically scrubing and cleaning all day until its time for me to go to school then I get home and go to sleep. The next day I wake up and repeat the process. I've learned if I'm busy I'm not dwelling on stuff. I just wish that for once I could have the happy ending. I told a friend on the phone the other day that I think this is just Karma coming back to kick me in the ass for treating past boyfriends like shit. Who knows. All I know is I'm not a 22 year old immature kid anymore. I'm a 28 year old mom that has her head on her shoulders and is only trying to make her life better for her and her kid. The thought of being single and having to date physically makes me ill to even think about it. Dating = not something I want to do at all. Now the not having to awnser to anyone part sounds fabulous ;)
I only have a few more weeks of school then I get 3 weeks off until my summer classes start. I should graduate in May of 2011! Only a year to go. Okay well today I'm oganizing under my bathroom sink and nightstands and then I'll find something else to organize i'm sure. Everything has pretty much been done over the past 2 weeks with me cleaning like a crazy person everyday.

Sassy Gay Friend.


Today totally sucks. I so don't want to go back to class tonight. I'm feeling very sleepy and lazy today. I wish I had another week off. Lame. I know I should really just want to get it all finished with. Next May can't come quickly enough. I really had a wonderful time with my mom and I know Ava did too. It was really hard saying goodbye. I'm really hoping she comes in July for my nephew Greysons birth. If she can't, then the next time I see her is December for Christmas. Anyways here are some of my favorite pics I took over the past week of miss Ava.








I'm in Longview with my mom and g-parents. Its been really nice getting to spend time with my mom. Yesterday I cut her hair and we took the kids to the park and went shopping. It's pretty much been us really just hanging out with family since we got here. I've had a really good time. I wish my mom wasn't leaving Saturday night. Makes me really sad. I know I'm going to cry like a little baby when she leaves. Today we are taking the kids to Gators and Friends. http://www.gatorsandfriends.com/index.php
I know Ava and Landon will love it. Doesn't look like Stephen is going to come in to see my mom. He has spent like 4 hours with her. Last weekend he should have spent Sunday with her, but thought fishing was more important. I would never do that to him. Okay I'm not going to start talking about him and " the situation" because its only going to make me upset. Okay time to give Ava a bath and get ready for the day.
So I had yet another dream with him in it except this one I'm like huge pregnant and we're together about to have a baby. Why do I keep having these dreams? Its like every few weeks...bam I have another one. I wish I knew what it meant if it means anything. So I decided to find out. Here is what I found:

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.
Your subconscious mind is exploring what it would be like to be closer to this person (as a boyfriend, or just in general)
Perhaps you just like this person, think they're nice, or find them interesting
You've noticed qualities you like or admire in this person
For a dream about an ex-boyfriend, see ex.
A dream about an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife, etc. can mean:
You have unfinished business with this person. You are fondly remembering something about the time you were with them and that you'd like to experience that feeling more. Feelings in dreams often represent themselves, although the subconscious mind may be exaggerating them in the dream. For instance, if you are feeling angry or happy during a dream, you are likely truly angry or happy about what's happening in the dream—and also about what it represents in real life.

I mean they could just be weird dreams. I was just curious. Time to go pack and get ready to leave for Longview with my mom this afternoon.